


This Is What The Refrance: The Vidya Gaem(s)

by Pram_The_Oracle



Series: JohnRose Grimdorks Week 2018 [5]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/F, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 00:31:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15231420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pram_The_Oracle/pseuds/Pram_The_Oracle
Summary: Tuesday Part 2: Vidya GaemAlternate Universe, Flushed John x Rose, Flushed Sollux x Aradia, Flushed Dave x Jade, Flushed Karkat x Terezi, Pale Equius x Nepeta, ??? Jane x Roxy x Calliope, Blackrom?/Flushed? Vriska x Kanaya, Slightly NSFW (All the implicatpuns. All of them)In this alternate universe, after beating SBURB/SGRUB the players have settled in to their happily ever afters. Whether as gods or as mortals (with god powers), they’re living life as best they can. What will they do next?Well they don’t really have a choice as Dave basically kidnapped them all to help Beta test his line of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff themed video games. All this on a particularly important night for one John Egbert.Goddammit Dave.





	This Is What The Refrance: The Vidya Gaem(s)

**Author's Note:**

> Did you know that there’s a tag for the Alphas + Calliope?
> 
> I didn’t until just know.
> 
> Also I couldn’t find a tag for The Big Man. Shame.

Your name is John Egbert and oh god you’re playing the most important video game match of your life and you’re losing. Here you are controlling Geromy who is at the mercy of Sweet Bro’s Mom, controlled by your girlfriend Rose Lalonde. How did you ever got to this predicament?

You curse Dave and yourself for agreeing to take part in this blasted test.

————

Sometime ago, but not that long…

Your eyes adjust to your new surroundings after Jade warps you to your destination. You stand before Dave’s rather uniquely shaped (a shape you’d rather not think about) Video Game development company, one you have been invited to. It seems Dave has been sending out invites to everyone he knew to participate in a beta testing of several Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff themed video games. Other than yourself, your girlfriend Rose (who is reluctant to be here), and Jade (who suddenly appeared as soon as you replied yes to Dave’s email invitation), you can see most of your other friends here. Vriska and Kanaya, Roxy with Jane, Jake, Calliope, and Dirk, even the rarely seen Aradia and Sollux pair, heck it seems that all the SBURB/SGRUB players are here. Though you note that most of them seem to be bickering and complaining at being dragged out here, especially Karkat, shouting everyone’s ears off as usual. 

Before you can greet any of them though, you can hear doors to the company open with a loud BANG as fireworks shot off and spotlights turn on, filling the night sky with the unmistakable heads of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. The effect was rather impressive… though it would be rather more impressive had they been on the front side of the building. You can hear Dave yell “BOOM BABY! Behold my fellow divine compatriots and welcome to…” before he trailed off. You can hear Jade giggle to your side shortly before Dave suddenly appeared in front of the back door to the building, gave a quick look around, before storming towards Jade.

“Jade what the fuck, I thought you were going to teleport them to the front door?”

Jade stuck out her tongue before answering “I don’t have to do everything you say.”

“Jade can we please not do this right now?”

“Then when ARE we going to talk about it then?”

As the two lovebirds (or so you thought) started bickering to the entertainment of the crowd, you slowly tilt your head towards Rose. “Uhh, do you know what’s happening here?”

“Jade has been texting me a few hours ago, it seems she and Dave got into a huge fight.”

“Oh. over what?”

“I’m sworn to secrecy, even towards you John. For what it’s worth though, I do believe that your sister is, for once, in the wrong here”

“I HEARD THAT ROSE!”

“Drat, foiled by her dog ears.” Rose finished. Jade quickly turned to Dave again before warping away in a huff. Dave just stood there, looking at where Jade was just mere moments ago. An awkward silence was left, only to be broken by Karkat.

“WELL COME ON STRIDER LET’S START THIS THING, SOME OF US WANT TO GO BACK TO SLEEP!”, which earned him a sharp poke from Terezi’s cane. “WHAT? THEY’LL BE FINE, COUPLES FIGHT ALL THE TIME.”

“Uhh… right.” Dave said, still looking in the same direction before turning towards the crowd. “Alright divine dudes with way too much time to kill, let’s get this party started. Just follow the handsome devil with the sunglasses- me, not Dirk obviously- no offense Dirk- and get ready for the best night of your life.” Shoving his hands into his pockets, Dave kicked a stray pebble away as he led the huge group of people into the building.

John just looked at Rose, who shrugged. “Let’s just get this over with and let’s get back to our dinner.”

“Heh, yeah, dinner.” You nervously say, as you play with the thing in your pocket. Rose just looked at you oddly before the two of you joined the others inside the building.

————

Despite all odds, you actually won the game. The best part is, when you opened the Door, you had the option to revive any Dead Players. After the celebration and reunion, and some sadness that you couldn’t revive non-Players, you enter your universe. In addition to the planets you brought over to the new universe, your new home (Planet Cage, thanks to John winning the raffle to name the new planet despite several player’s attempts to cheat.) was a strange mixture of Earth and Alternia with a mix of Humans and Trolls living there. If the legends are true, there might have been a Cherubim sighting a long time ago. You all decide on what each of you want to do, some choosing to more actively control their Divine Aspects and to not interfere with the affairs of mortals, and some living incognito amongst the humans. Every so often there’s a get together as the more godly players descend into the mortal plane, or the mortal players ascend to join their pantheon’s ranks. In the end what you do is mostly share gossip and talk about who is banging who.

In this case, Dave sent out the invites, so here you all are hobnobbing with the mortals. You, Rose, Dave, and Jade are amongst the ones that decide to give being human a shot, and so far you really love it. It has been 6 years since the game ended, and it’s been a blast returning to school and joining the workforce and all that crap. Retaining your Wind powers to make your life easier certainly helped. Dave certainly reaped the benefits of being a Time player, as he became a stock market legend and has more money than a small country. He mostly funnels it back to various art projects and pointless purchases (Rose once commented that Dave purchased a huge tract of land in Texas and made various construction and plantation projects that when seen from outer space can be read as Kawaii as fuck. You burst out laughing at that). One such project is his Multimedia juggernaut Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, booming past its lowly webcomic roots and is a hit movie, tv series, comic book, manga, anime, and novel. Now it seems Dave wants to corner the Video Game market, and has enlisted your aid in testing his newest products.

At least, that’s what Dave has been talking about as he stands on a podium, addressing everyone on his mic. “I want all of you to open the envelopes I gave you, and head into the rooms designated number 1. There will be a manual containing the basic gist of the game, but feel free to ignore it if you’ve got mad skills. There will also be a comment and suggestions sheet for you to fill after you’ve finished testing the game. Oh, and Terezi, for the love of god please don’t lick them, just have someone else read them to you and help you write them.”

“Hmmph.”

“After you finish testing the games for half an hour, please move on to the next game in the list. One last thing, every room will be under recorded surveillance so I can review your experience at my own time.” He waggled his eyebrows at that point, to the groans of a few people. “If you need further help, my paid flunkies will be ecstatic to do so. Ain’t that right fellas?” He gestured towards the crowd of uniformed personnel in black sunglasses next to the stage, who all just grumbled. Dave turned back towards his fellow players and said “Alright, go forth and play my godly dudes. I’ll see you all in a couple of hours.” Dave finished, before suddenly disappearing and dropping his mic. John looked around for a bit before leaning to Rose again.

“Where do you think he went off to?”

“Probably to find Jade and beg she take him back. Pity really, my brother has no idea Jade has him wrapped around her fingers.” Rose said, as she takes a look at the envelope she’s given, then looks at yours. “Huh, it seems your schedule and mine match exactly.”

“Really?” You look at both your lists. “Huh, that’s weird.” You look up, and it seems that almost everyone was paired, as two by two everyone went off into their rooms. Although you note that a large group of players headed off into a single room. You wonder what game it is.

“John, let’s go. Our room is this way.” Rose said, pointing to an unopened door. You both head in to find an old time Famicom console on a table (really Dave?), sitting between a really large flat screen TV, and a comfy looking couch with a manual resting on top of it. You take the manual and read out loud the title.

“Sweet Broquest and Hella Jeffpg. A JRPG retraux 8-bit adventure through the magical realm of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. Roleplay your way to save that Choice Ass. Dare you enter our magical realm?”

“Let me see that.” She says, taking the leaflet away from you. “Ahh, I thought as much, you didn’t pronounce the misspellings.”

“Yeah I didn’t want to subject you to that torture.” You say as you take a seat on the couch and start up the game and turn on the television.

“My ears and brain thank you.” She replied, taking a seat next to you and grabbing the 2nd player controller.

“Oh, huh, we can play 2 players?” You ask as you grab the 1st player one.

“According to the manual, it seems I can control Sweet Bro with the 2nd Controller for ‘tuo player fune’.” She waved dismissively, as the game company logos start appearing on the tv… accompanied by a really annoying screeching voice mispronouncing the company’s name.

“Oh joy, what a delightful evening we have in store.” Rose muttered, as the noise died down and the title screen appeared. If the voice from before was annoying, the music now was aggravating.

“Oh god start the game already.” You wince as you press all the buttons hoping the music would end. It did, and thankfully the replacement music wasn’t too bad as an explanation text about the background of the story scrolled on by. “You mind if I skip it Rose?”

“Knowing Dave, I have a feeling that he conveniently forgot that feature.” Unfortunately, she proved to be right, as none of the buttons this time worked to skip the text full of errors. Then it froze.

“Uhh, Rose? I think it crashed on us.”

“Wait I think I remember something about this” she says, as she combed through leaflet again. “Ahh here it is.” She says triumphantly, as she opened the console’s cd cover, took out the disc, and closed it again. The screen changed so it displayed ‘Please insret Disk’, at which point Rose replaced the Disc and the game skipped ahead to what appears to be a playable part of the game.

“The manual really said that?”

“Indeed. It appears that whoever was in charge of the event sequences never actually finished them, and they had to input a workaround so you can skip them and not crash.” Rose says as she hands the manual to you. You glance around and notice something.

“Uhh… almost all of the pages is a list of how to workaround the bugs in the game.”

“I’ve noticed that. We’re in for a long night John.” Rose muttered.

You gulp. Rose is in a bad mood, definitely not the time for your previous plans. Resigning yourself to your fate, you move Hella Jeff around and into his destiny. Which was much closer than you think as you exit out of what you assume to be Hella Jeff’s room into what appears to be the killscreen from Pac-Man, and Hella Jeff gets stuck in the middle of the glitched mess.

“Uhh…” you began.

“I’m on it John. Oh.” From the edge of your vision you can see her frowning. “Unfortunately, once we encounter this screen, this means that the rest of the game is broken. What we should have done was open Hella Jeff’s drawers and closet first before exiting the room.”

“Oh. Does that mean…” you dread what you think she’s about to say.

“Yes John. We’re going to have to reset the game and start all over again.”

You groan. A long night indeed.

————

As it turns out, the game turned off automatically after the 30 minute mark has passed, and the television had a ‘thank you now write and move on’ written in it. It certainly felt like more. Rose is currently, and furiously, writing everything wrong about the game, while you finished yours just mere moments ago. Thankfully they didn’t run into anymore game-crashing bugs, but other bugs, ooh boy did they hit the mother load.

They range from relatively harmless ones of pixelated graphics (“But Rose, how will we understand the story if we can’t read what any NPC is saying?” “Indeed, it would be a loss for all of humanity if we cannot understand the literary masterpiece Dave wrote.”), to annoying ones where you can’t target an enemy (“Curses, Sweet Bro just refuses to make this happen.” “Wait hold on, Hella Jeff has a multi target attack move, let me do it.”), and even a beneficial one. (“Rose, why do I suddenly have Leather Armor to the amount of ‘pixelated mess’, 6, ‘differently shaped pixelated mess’, and asterisk?” “We’re in luck, we just stumbled upon a rare beneficial item duplication glitch. We can sell it for an endless supply of monies.”

Their last glitch was also the straw that broke Rose’s patience. Their first boss fight, Vampire Jeff, was unbeatable. No matter what they did, no matter how much damage they racked up, he just wouldn’t stay down. To make matters worse, the boss just kept using non-damaging moves, so they couldn’t even get a proper game over. Frustrated, Rose opened the manual and found out that it was supposed to be an unbeatable boss, but for some reason the trigger to end the battle wouldn’t work. At that point Rose tossed the manual in disgust and screamed “STRIIIIDEEEERRRR!”

Which was followed by Sweet Bro suddenly going on a massive rant about socks ands cans, which somehow caused the game to continue to the next scene with Vampire Jeff gloating over his victory. You both stare dumbfounded before you separate, Rose looking at her controller, and you searching the book.

“Oh. Hahaha. I guess screaming into your controller lets you use a special voice activated command. I guess they missed trying that one huh?”

“So it would seem. John, be a dear and turn away would you?”

You obediently do so, and close your ears in preparation as Rose took out her velvet pillow. Sure enough, Rose screamed into the pillow, luckily enough muffled so it was barely a whisper and the game ended by itself, ending your torment.

After Rose finished, they both walk out and consult their lists, as the other participants milled about and talked about their experience.

“It’s alright Equius, the staff said that they had plenty of controllers to spare!”

“THIS ALMOST MAKES ME WISH I WAS PLAYING THAT STUPID SGRUB GAME INSTEAD!”

“I wwish I can just shoot all of Dave’s stupid games and be done with it.”

“Ith’th fucking inthane how bad the gameth are programmed, ith’th almothth like he did it on purpothe!”

“Oh come on Sollux, it’s not that bad. I saw you smiling when you figured out how to win that unbeatable stage!”

“WOO in your FACE Strider! Roxy is number 1!”

You mostly ignore them though, as you wrack your brain trying to think of a way to salvage the evening, or at the very least calm Rose down. You were so deep in thought that it was only when you opened the door to your room that you noticed Rose was not with you. You turned around to see Rose looking at Sollux and Aradia, who disappeared behind the doors to your previous room.

“Pitying them Rose? Don’t worry, Sollux is a genius, he’ll probably get farther than we did. Though he might just blast the TV instead.” You say, hoping to lighten the mood. When Rose stopped looking back and turned back towards you, you can see her brows furrowed from thinking. It’s adorable really.

“You know, I do believe we have been going through this whole testing thing all wrong.” Rose said, as she rubbed her chin with one hand and supported her arm with her other hand.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we’ve been playing like we’re expecting that there is some semblance of a game somewhere within the seemingly infinite pile of glitches in the game. But, if we change our perspective and expect the bugs and figure it into our experience, we just might have a fun night after all.” She says as she prepares the next console and TV. You can see some broken controller pieces on the ground, seems Equius and Nepeta used this room before you.

“Uh, I’m not still sure what you mean Rose. Like… you want to play with the bugs or something?”

“Exactly. Instead of trying to avoid them, let us embrace them. Let their game crashing capabilities be a key feature instead of an obstacle. Let us push the games to the utmost limits until they break down and cry. Let us break out of our ennui and eviscerate these shittily made software and gorge ourselves from their error prone viscera. What I’m saying John,” She says, as she leaned closer towards you, “is let’s break the games.”

“Huh. Well yeah, I guess finding new ways to break the games would be kind of fun.”

“Ahh, but that’s not the only thing I thought of John. How about a… wager?”

That piqued your interest. “Oh? What would we be competing on?

“The winner is the one that managed to pull off the most impressive glitch within the time limit. The one who amassed the most glitches from our list wins.”

You grin. That does sound fun. “I’m in. What are the rules?”

“No looking in the manuals for the list of errors in the game. When we can’t decide who won, we’ll consult them and the one who discovered a new bug wins. Else we just flip coins.”

“Agreed. So what are we competing for?”

“How about…” Rose tapped her chin, thinking before shortly grinning “Loser has to do whatever the Winner wants them to do.”

“Deal! Prepare to lose Rose! You’re no match for me! I’m the Friendleader that lead us to victory after all.”

“Ahh, but don’t underestimate the strategist, lest their wily ways confuse you and leave you in the dust.”

“Yeah yeah.” You say, as you pick up your controller. The title screen awaits your command. “Put your money where your mouth is Lalonde.”

“Famous last words Egbert.” She says, picking up her controller.

————

The night went by a lot faster now that you’re having fun. You vaguely recall the confused looks from the others as you stumble out of a room laughing your heads off. You can’t help it though, the racing game you tested ended with your win. Rose’s valiant effort in somehow managing to land right in top of the goal line and not being able to move at all was no match when you somehow managed to reverse your character into the sky, not coming back down and for some strange reason had a negative position that kept going further below 0.

“That… is some unreal air.” You say.

“Lifdoff I’d say.” Rose replied.

It was all you could do to glance at each other before bursting out laughing and wasting the remainder of your time. In the next room players had to test a platformer, switching between players 1 and 2 after a death. John thought he had it in the bag when he turned Sweet Bro, the entire stage, and all the enemies into horrible glitched out pixels that you can’t tell where everything actually is. Rose managed to outdo him when she as The Pixel Graphic Formally Known As Hella Jeff inexplicably zoomed across the entire stage, past the goal, into the next stage and all the way to the end of the game knocking out what you presume is the final boss, or might have been the prize awaiting you at the end of the game, and even past the beginning of the credits and crashed the game.

“Well, it’s no acrobatic pirouette supersonic swan dive, but I dare say I won this round. Dare I say it’s even worth two wins?” She suggested, turning off the game.

“Not a chance.” You laugh, helping her up.

With the scores tied at 2-2 (you decided to count the RPG game as a tie), you move on to your next game, an FPS. This one was unfortunately rather one sided because no matter what John did none of his controller inputs would make The Big Man do a thing in the half hour he had, not even switching controllers. Meanwhile, Rose’s squirrel's nut weapon destroyed everything. EVERYTHING. From innocent supposedly immortal bystanders to the what was supposed to be indestructible environment, leading to both their characters falling into an endless Void… which ended when Rose threw another nut and somehow destroyed the background and themselves, stopping them from spawning again. Even though technically John’s error ended his game, Rose’s destroy absolutely every fucking thing was definitely more impressive. Point Rose.

Evading an increasingly angry Karkat and Terezi provoking him further, you start up the next game, a two player arcade Dance game. “Hah! No way you’re beating me here Rose, I’m the Emissary of Dance!” You proudly exclaim, as you show off your slick (video-game) dance steps.

Rose just countered by showing off her admittedly sick footwork. “Ahh, but can you keep up with my Dance of Thorns, oh great Emissary?”

“Shut up and dance with me Rose.”

You both danced your heart out, and later on when you saw your dance moves from the camera’s perspectives you would have to admit that what you thought were awesome dance moves were, in fact, dorky to say the least. But for now, you’re just two idiots in love trying their damnedest to break the game. By the end you two got into an argument over whose foot stomps caused the game to switch the dance pad inputs and made it so that John’s dance pad now controlled Rose’s character Geromy and vice versa as well as causing all the songs to play at the same time. When Nepeta and Equius shooed the two of you away you both decided to just call it a tie. You also discussed how badly Equius was going to wreck the building as you head to your next room.

Your next game was a Real Time Strategy game. “Really Dave?” you comment as you boot up your PC.

“It would appear that he’s branching out and getting his grubby hands in all game genres. Though I must admit, this was a rather unexpected move.” Rose said, as she massaged her thighs while waiting for the game to start. You start massaging yours as well, you think you pulled something back there.

The game got off to a rough start until you figured out that trying to claim resources actually decreases the total you have, and using them actually increases them. The game quickly became chaotic as both sides deployed whirlybirds upon whirlybirds and submerging cars against the other, but much to their disappointment (and surprise), the game was otherwise stable. The manual also only listed that bug. Still a shitty as fuck game, but as long as the resource usage reversal was fixed it seems the game is good to go. You decide to make it a tie but give give no points to either of you, with the current score being 3 to 4 in Rose’s favor. However, as you hand in your comments and suggestion to the box guarded by one of Dave’s minions, you notice Sollux’s paper.

“Holy crap Rose, look at this thing!” You show Rose Sollux’s comments, who somehow discovered no less than 10 game breaking bugs and a lot more miscellaneous errors.

“I see we’ve been rather lax in our attempts to It seems we need to step up our game John. We can’t let our resident Psychopomp and her consort beat us. What’s left?”

“Let’s see... “ You say as you head out into the common room again and head off to your next room. You pass by a depressed Calliope being comforted by Jane and Roxy. “Huh that’s weird. I wonder what’s got her depressed?”

“It would appear that it’s because she was forced to confront and emulate feelings that her species is incapable of having.” Rose said as you enter the room, and you both take a seat.

“Huh?”

“She was playing a dating simulator John.” Rose explained as she pointed to the list. Oh.

“Eugh, I don’t know about this one Rose. I’ve heard about these kinds of games from Dave, aren’t there usually… you know… sex scenes?”

“It says here that there are indeed adult scenes, but you’re luck is most fortuitous today John, “ Rose handed the manual over to you, pointing at a particular passage, “they included an option for an all ages version of the game. Although I find your reluctance on viewing sexual materials rather strange, considering what we were doing earlier today with our-“

“BUT THAT’S PRIVATE ROSE!” You yell, as you animatedly gesture towards the goons standing nearby and to the surveillance cam above them. At least, you think that’s the camera. In any case you hope Rose gets the message that everything is being recorded.

“Relax John. I’m sure the good people of… whatever this place was called are good at keeping secrets. Besides,” she says looking up at the corner of the- oh there’s the camera, “it’s not like Dave is any stranger to what two consenting adults in the bedroom. Remember the spacetime incident?”

You wince. “Don’t remind me.” You mutter. Ahh yes the dread incident where Dave and Jade got about too into it, and basically warped all over time and space. Like last month into your bedroom right when you and Rose were making love. You swear up and down that not only did Dave see, but you could have sworn so did Jade. Rose insists only Dave saw, and through her mysterious ways managed to keep him quiet.

Also, doggy style? Really Dave?

Rose probably sensed that this is a sensitive matter as you hear her say “Very well, if you wish to keep our affairs private to the eyes of two literal gods of time and space, then what happens between a gentleman and a lady behind closed bedroom doors stays behind closed bedroom doors…”

“Thank you-“ You start before Rose continued.

“And the closet doors, and the bathroom doors, and the classroom doors, and-“

“Rose!”

“I’m just teasing you John. If you’re this skittish with words, I wonder how you’d fare when I win and you’ll have to do anything I say. Perhaps cleaning the house for a whole month?”

You gulp. Rose may say that her presence in your humble abode adds some feminine touch to the house, but truthfully… she’s kind of a slob and you’re certain she knows it. You love this woman, but you dread the very thought of being solely responsible for the cleanliness of your household instead of sharing the burden.

That’s it. You’re determined to win this bet. Well, even more than you were before. As a plus, winning means she’ll have to do whatever you want.

… whatever you want...

A vision of you and Rose in front of everyone flashed through your mind. You hastily shove a hand into your pocket, breathing a sigh of relief when you feel the reassuring material of the box. If- WHEN you win, she can’t refuse.

Rose raised an eyebrow when you turn to look at her. “You’re suddenly energetic. You really don’t want to be stuck cleaning the toilet for a month huh?”

Wordlessly you nod, and urge Rose to take the first turn on the small portable machine. Still confused, she nevertheless had an impressive first showing as she somehow managed to unlock an adult scene (much to your embarrassment.)

“In hindsight,” Rose said as she wrinkled her nose in disgust, “I don’t know what I was thinking choosing Peaches as my target.” After her 15 minutes of YIFFing (or was it bestiality? You’ll have to ask Dave or Jade for the difference) are up, you’re up to bat. You immediately found the text skipping option and rushed your way like a madman down the available options, making Rose remark “But don’t you want to read that number 1 bestseller romantic prose that is Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff: The Dating Experience?”. You swear you saw Rose giving you a withering stare when you were going through Sweet Bro’s Mom’s route. As the clock continued ticking down, you started sweating as time runs out. Just when you think the miracle will never happen, it did! 

“What’s that smell?”

“She who smelt it dealt it Rose.” You reply, as you continued to hold down the skip text button. You were on the true route, The Ultimate Orgy of Homosexuality, and you were desperate for anything to top Rose’s error.

“How mature. No I’m talking about that weird- JOHN LET GO!”

“What are you- HOLY CRAP!” You drop your portable console just in time as it burst into flames, when mere moments ago it was smoking. Dave’s grunts immediately covered the thing in a fire-retardant blanket, and profusely apologized for the incident.

“John, are you alright? Let me see your hands- John, stop fist pumping and shouting woo-hoo and let me look at you. Okay, you didn’t get burned that’s a relief. I dare say that would have been worth at least 3 points considering- John, stop doing the Irish Jig combined with the Robot- considering that your error completely destroyed the disc, the system, and the carpet- wipe that smug look off of your face- had we not set a precedent that the beet glitch is only worth one point. Don’t look so down John, you managed to even things up, and there’s 1 last game to play.”

You hurriedly look at your list. Your last game is called ‘The One Where SBaHJ beat each other up’

“Fighting game?”

“Fighting game.”

“Well no time like the present. Come on Rose let’s finish this!” You hold Rose’s hands and run towards your final destination, resisting the urge to just zap the both of you there.

“Normally I’d say your eagerness to beat me up in the virtual world would be cause for alarm, but yes I also share your desire to put an end to this.” She says, keeping up with you easily. You throw open the doors as you prepare for the final battle… and stood still in shock.

“EGBERT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT ARE ALL OF YOU DOING HERE?”

“Heeeeeeeey Joooooooohn!”

“Rose, What A Pleasant Surprise. At Least I’ll Have Good Company For Once Tonight.”

“Don’t you start with me again, bitch!”

“Well, at leaththt you’re noth Eridan.”

“Hi John! Hi Rose!”

“Hi Aradia! Hi Karkat! Hi Vriska! Hi-”

“John, we’ll be here all night if you keep that up.” Rose says, before turning to address the others. “Hello everyone. I suppose the reason we’re all here is that monstrosity in the middle?”

You turn towards what appears to be 8 arcade consoles in a circular formation, with Terezi giving it several experimental taps. Actually, you notice one of the arcade machines seems to be different than the others, and you can see the wreckage of one of them in the corner.

“Whoa, that must have been some glitch that destroyed the machine.”

“Actually,” a familiar voice said by your ear, surprising you. “From what I’ve been told it was because of a certain-”

“EQUIUS.”  
“Equius.”  
“Equius.”  
“Equius.”  
“Equiuth.”  
“Equius.”

6 voices rang out at the same time, though your attention was solely concentrated on the first voice. Turning your head, you see-

“Dave! You’re back!”

“The one and only bro.” Dave, looking slightly disheveled. You can see your sister standing behind him, looking like her normal self. She still seems to be a bit angry though, if her frown is anything to go by. “So, I heard that you managed to destroy one of my systems Egbert. Mad respect.”

“Oh. Haha, yeah sorry about that Dave. I had no idea that would happen. But hey, I discovered the error before you sold them, so that’s good right?”

“Acthually,” you hear Sollux speak up, “I already nothed thath parthicular bug in my reporth.”

“What.” You hear Rose growl behind you.

“Yeah, I wath playing thath ththupid relathionthip game when I nothiced the thigns. We didn’th bother tho do the glitch, Aradia wath worried ith wath going to hurth thomeone. Anyway, whath’th got your panthieth in a bunch Rothe?

“Oh nothing,” you answered for her. “We just thought we discovered a brand new glitch that’s all.”

“Well good news Egbert, this game is the most stable one my guys have produced, so you can play it uninterrupted.”

“WHAT?”  
“WHATH?”

You yell, then turn to Sollux. You know why you’re yelling, but why is he?

“Interesting,” Rose narrowed his eyes at Sollux, who is being calmed down by Aradia. “ John, it would appear that we’re not the only ones that are more interested in the glitches than in the games themselves.”

“Oh, you too?” Aradia piped up. “It was the only way to get Sollux to have fun tonight.”

“Wait What Are We Talking About Here Exactly?” Kanaya looked back and forth between you and Rose with Sollux and Aradia.

“Ith’th meanth John, Rose, Aradia, and me just wanted to find new wayth of breakung the game.” Sollux answered.

“Ooooooooh that sounds awesome!”

“Of Course You Would Find That Amusing.”

“That does sound fun! Karkat, why didn’t we think of that?”

“BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY LAUGHING AT ALL THE STUPID REFERENCES TO DAVE’S COMIC!”

“Wait wait wait, let me get this straight.” Dave said, walking closer to the trolls. “You guys,” he pointed at your group and Sollux’s before continuing, “spent all night trying to destroy my hard work instead of enjoying Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff in that most awesome of medium of entertainment mankind has ever invented, Video Games?” Dave finished, looking back and forth. “I thoroughly approve.” He clapped.

“Wait, you’re not mad?” You ask, searching his face (damn you birthday gift sunglasses) for any trace of his anger.

“Mad? Nah. Just mostly disappointed at myself at myself for not thinking of it first. It almost bring tears to my eyes that I lack the capacity to think of such an ironic way of enjoying these shitty games. The student has become the master. I’m so proud of you John.” Dave said, wiping an imaginary tear away from under his sunglasses

“I knew ith!” Sollux accusingly fingered Dave.

“Yeah yeah I didn’t bother to Alpha test most of these so sue me.” Dave shrugged before addressing you all. “Alright since all of you want to see this whole thing burn down in flames,”

“I Never Agreed To This.”

“since everyone except Kanaya wants to see this mother burn to ashes, let’s make this interesting.” Dave said, rubbing his hands.

“Oh um, me and Rose were already doing a bet-” Rose elbowed you before you could finish, shushing you.

“Ooh really? What did you bet about?” Jade said, breaking her silence for the first time. Rose was right (she almost always is), darn her dog ears.

“Oh uh nothing.” You say, trying to communicate telepathically to your Sister to shut up. “The loser has to do anything the winner tells them to do.”

“Oh? Wait, John, don’t tell me you’re going to force Rose to-”

“Shush!” You close Jade’s mouth with your hands, hoping Rose doesn’t realize what she’s talking about. Looking around, you let out your breath seeing Rose busy trying to prevent Vriska and Kanaya from tearing each other apart. Then you looked slightly to see left to see a grinning Terezi. It took you a moment to realize she was grinning at you, though you can’t-

Oh no.

Oh god not her.

You release Jade who you left complaining as you dash towards Terezi, evading a snarling Karkat as you grabbed her. “What do you know and how do I keep you from telling what you know?”

“Hee hee hee whatever could you mean John?” She knows oh god she knows everything.

“Please please please! Terezi please don’t mess up my plans tonight.”

“Hmm…” she teased, “I don’t know, I think I’ll just walk right over there and tell Rose-“

Oh god Karkat is stomping his way here you’re running out of time. “I’ll do anything you want!” You blurted our desperately.

“Deal.” Terezi said right as Karkat separated and stood between you two.

“WHAT IN GOG’S NAME ARE YOU DOING WITH MY MATESPRITE EGBERT?”

You try to placate Karkat as you see Vriska talk with Terezi. Probably asking what that’s about. Thankfully Terezi is just grinning and shaking her head.

“If you dudes and dudettes are quite done, I was in the middle of laying down the ground rules to this whole shebang.” Dave’s voice was heard booming through the room 

Wait what?

“What rules?”

“The rules to winning enough money to buy a 20 floor condominium, cash upfront.”

All of you immediately shut up and paid attention to Dave. You’re reasonably certain some of them don’t need money or could conceivably use their powers to gain more than that, but that much money from playing a game? Even Aradia, who you thought would be above it all, is looking at Dave with rapt attention.

“Now that I have your attention, the rules are this: the winner will be the first one that discovers a glitch in this, my perfect game, will win the money. But, should no one discover any glitch, the last one standing will win half the pot. Oh, and no using your god powers. I happen to be very attached to this piece of **** rundown building, so no cheating.”

Sounds good. Then you noticed Aradia raising her hand. “Yes my fellow god of Time?” Dave asked.

“What about the others?”

Dave made a show of being put on the spot before calmly saying “Fuck ‘em. Offer only stands to you guys. What do you say?”

You glance at Rose. “We still on?”

“You’re not getting off the hook that easy John. Bet’s still on.”

“Attaboy Lalonde. Just dropping a bet is like kissing your sister and leaving her without sexing her up or letting her know she sucks at this.”

The room got deathly still after that.

“What?” Dave asked, looking around the room.

“STRIDER HOW DO YOU KEEP COMING UP WITH STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT?”

“It’s a gift and a curse my troll. A gift and a curse. Now, if everyone is in on this, here’s how it’s going to go down…”

————

Well, here you are, waiting backstage with your other competitors as Dave sets up your ‘arena of destiny’. His words. You peek out of the curtains. It seems they moved all of the arcade consoles to this huge auditorium and are trying to set it up so your screens will appear on the huge TVs hanging from the ceiling. You can see Equius, Dave, and Jade ordering around the poor overworked Dave Peons as well as the other players on the seats all talking animatedly with each other.

You head back inside. Geez, this got out of control fast. You were expecting to just face alone, but now… you look and gauge your fellow competitors:

Aradia. She’s hard to gauge. You’re not sure how good she’ll be in the game, but you know enough that she’ll do anything to help Sollux. Speaking of…  
Sollux. He’s second to none in your group when it comes to the actual programming and coding skills, and you’ve got a bad feeling from the way he’s been screwing around with his laptop. He also recognized the literally gamebreaking glitch without activating it, so Sollux is probably going to try and find a glitch here as well.  
Karkat. He’s still brooding over there, giving you the evil eye. You’d laugh, except you’re seriously worried that he might just zero in on you and cost you the match.  
Terezi. She promised not to mention anything about your plans, but what is she really after? Is she going to help Karkat hunt you down first? Will she help Sollux find a glitch or Vriska knocking everyone else out? Ugh you can’t tell what she’s thinking.  
Vriska. You doubt she’s going to bother with finding the glitch, unless the only ones remaining are her and Kanaya, and probably not even then. She seems more likely to gloat that she can beat everyone at fighting than finding satisfaction at discovering a glitch.  
Kanaya. Oh, she just yawned. You guess her heart just isn’t in it. She’ll probably drop out early on. That leaves...  
Rose. At once your greatest ally and your most dangerous foe. She’ll most likely go along with what you suggest with her… until the most opportune moment to backstab you.

You shake your head. This is Rose! Your girlfriend, and hopefully after tonight something more. Your Seer of Light. One of your oldest and best friends. She wouldn’t betray you over a game. Your mind made up, you walk up next to Rose and popped the question. No not that one, the other one.

“Allies?”

“Of course. Now which of these losers shall we unleash our combined wrath on first?” You then talk strategy, happy that at least she’s here for you. Until it’s time to beat each other that is.

————

From backstage, you can see what’s happening in the main stage. After everyone else finished setting up and left the stage, Dave remained in the main stage and addressed the crowd, blinding spotlights centering on him. “Ladies and gentleman you could have been anywhere in he universe tonight, but you’re here tonight.”

“Wwell yeah, that is wwhat literally happened. You had your girlfriend kidnap us and wwarped us here.”

“No comments from the peanut gallery thank you. As I was saying before I was so lamely interrupted, ARE YOU READY TO BE ENTERTAINED?”

The viewers shouted a loud yeah. “Alright, tonight, 8 players will be fighting in my completely error free game, hoping to either discover a hitherto unknown glitch and win the entire cash prize, or else be the last god standing and win half the cash prize.”

“Now without further ado, HERE ARE YOUR COMPETITORS!”

“First up, she’s got one hell of a Megalovania- sorry, megalomaniacal and Superego streak, she’s got a Spider’s Claw, a Spider Bite, and a really bad case of Spider Breath-”

“HEY!”

“Here She is our own Cobalt Thief of Light, VRIIIISSKAAAA!”

Vriska ran to the stage, the a mixture of boos and cheers. “Shut up Tavros! I know that was you!” She yelled, then chose her machine.

“Up next, keeper of the Virgin Orb-”

“Matriorb, Without The Virgin Prefix.”

“-the Matriorb, the Lilith in Starlight that bisects her enemies to a Requiem of Sunshine and Rainbows, our Jade Sylph of Space, our DAAAARLIIIING KANAYAAAAAAAA MARYAM!”

“Why Add Darling? Oh Nevermind.” Kanaya walked listlessly to some polite clapping, and a very quiet boo, as she picked a machine next to Vriska.

“You know her Blind Justice Investigations, you fear her Sound Judgement, and I even helped her recreate the Lemonsnout Turnabout. It’s our Teal Seer of Mind, TEREZIIIIII PYROOOOOOPE!”

She went out on stage gleefully, bowing to the audience. Well, where she thought the audience was in any case. After Dave turned her towards the audience, she carefully made her way next to Vriska.

“Following up, he’s the Frustracean Crustracean-”

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?”

“- who went through the land of Phaze and Blood-”

“PULSE AND HAZE!”

“Pulse and Haze and brought along Calamity by a Galactic Cancer-”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD BRING THAT UP AGAIN!”

“- who is here for the final Showdown, it’s the one and only Iron Knight of Blood, KAAAAAARKAT VANTAAAAAAAAS!”

Snarling, Karkat stomped his way past Dave and ignoring the cheering crowd as he took his place next to Terezi.

“She’s the Arisen Anew fellow Time Shenanigans player who will Psychoruin your day, it’s time for you to Ascend, Rust Maid of Time ARADIAAAAAAAA MEGIDOOOOOO!”

“Hi Dave! Happy to be here.” She says, waving to the clapping and cheering crowd, before choosing… huh. She chose the next machine over from Karkat.

“He’s the the Gold Pilot who broke through The Last Frontier in programming and psychic abilities, he’s The Blind Prophet-”

“Half blind.”

“-Half Blind Prophet who brought SGRUB to the trolls, let’s hear it for the Gold Mage of Doom, SOLLUUUUX CAPTOOOOOOOOR!”

Sollux for his part silently made his way to the machine between Karkat and Aradia, though he did flip the bird to the audience. Presumably for Eridan.

“She’s here to Aggrievocation and give a Starfall on all of her her fellow competitors, she’s gone through an Endless Climb through the Earthsea Borealis as the Black Rose that gave birth to the Green Sun, she suffered from a Rustless Fall to become the Orchid Horror, give a round of sound for our Seer of Light and my ecto-sister, ROOOOOOOOSE LALOOOOOONDE!”

“See you soon John.” Rose said as she strode confidently to the stage, choosing the machine next to Kanaya.

“Last, and most fucking certainly not least, he’s the Green Ghost friendleader Doctor Planet Healer Savior of the Waking World, he’s the Boy Skylark- well, Man Skylark Heir Transparent with Heir Conditioning, who Plays with and Does the Windy Thing, Wielder of the Warhammer of Zillyhoo, it’s finally fucking Showtime for our Heir of Breath, Get Up for your Awakening, time to Conclude this JOOOOOOOOHN EGBEEEEEEEERT!”

When you walk out of the backstage and into the spotlight, the crowd positively roared. Holy crap, you weren’t expecting everyone to back you this much! Bolstered, you pull off one of your patented John Egbert Jokes.

“Hey, thanks everyone. Hey, if anyone is out of breath from all that cheering, I can certainly try and help with that!” to finish it off, you double finger gun the audience. To your disappointment, the crowd just drifted off to complete silence. Not even a cricket sound or a microphone feedback. “These are what we call jokes everyone.” Deathly still. “Wow. tough crowd.” You look around the crowd to see if anyone is laughing before moving on to the last available machine. You can see Rose burying her face in her palms, but she knew what she was getting into when you two started dating. She looked up just enough so you can see her eyes.

“John, I am breaking up with you.”

“Ehh, you’ll get over it Rose.” You wave her away dismissively.

“I thought that was funny John.” Aradia said, giggling, as she copied your pose from before.

“Thanks Aradia.” At least someone appreciates comedy here. You lean towards Rose.

“Our game plan still on?”

She gave a thumbs up as Dave called for the audience’s attention once again.

“Alright, the game has been ready and waiting for all of you to play them like a weaboo fatty, so contestants, CHOOSE YOUR PLAYERS! That is, choose the random button.”

You pick the random button and see you got Geromy. Luckily the time Dave allowed you to look at the manual gave you at least some basic understanding of how yo use the characters, and he even allowed another minute to look at the manual again after you chose your characters. You look at the gigantic Wall TVs that shows what's on each of your screens so the audience can follow. Each TV helpfully has your name, so you can see Rose got Sweet Bro’s Mom, Terezi got Sweet Bro, Karkat got Hella Jeff, Vriska got The Big Man, Kanaya got Peaches, Aradia got the Squirrel, and Sollux… still hasn’t moved.

“Uh Sollux my man? Anytime now?” Dave impatiently said.

“Almothth… THERE!” He slammed the confirmation button with way more force than needed and got… The Big Man as well, albeit with a different color scheme.

“Wait, Rose, isn’t the big man a top tier player?”

“Indeed, if the ranking list in the manual is to be believed, we have our work cut out for us John. Just remember, stick to the plan.”

“What Plan?” Kanaya asked.

“You’ll see soon enough.”

“Alright,” Dave continued, “now that everyone has their character, it’s time to set the stage!” The game then randomly chose the stage, which turned out to be a pond.

“All the items! All the characters! 1 Life Only! Final Destination: Frog Pond!”

The game screen then changed to the location of the fight, as your characters make their appearance on stage and an unseen commentator in game counts down to the fight.

“3…”

You glance at Rose, who nods at you.

“2…”

You try to remember all the moves that Geromy can do.

“1…”

This is it, you have to act fast as soon as-

“FIGHT!”

You immediately have Geromy move so he’s below Vriska’s Big Man, and jump and attack up him… just as Sweet Bro’s Mom butt pound him, just as Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff slam into him from both sides, just as both the Squirrel and Peaches bit him, and as Vriska’s character get catapulted into the air… Sollux’s Big Man grabbed Vriska’s and slam dunked him into the pond where a Clam suddenly appeared, ate him, and disappeared back beneath the pond’s waters.

Everybody stopped at that moment, with Vriska’s jaws dropping mere moments before yelling “WHAT THE ACTUAL GOGDAMN FUCK? HOW IS THAT FAIR? You too Egbert? What did I ever do to you? Dammit Kanaya why did you even join in?” Dave had to get help from his goons to forcefully escort Vriska off the stage, as 6 of you execute a beautifully done 3x fist bump combo.

“What, Do I Not Get To Be Part Of The Celebratory Fist Hitting?”

“Oh excuse me, of course you get to be part of this.” Rose said, extending her hand as Kanya lightly hit it.

The fight went on after that, with Sollux gaining a massive upper hand. It was all everyone else could do to hang on, despite Sollux seemingly dividing his attention between KO’ing everyone else (other than Aradia) and doing random things like punching repeatedly at nothing which you assume is him trying to see if he can break the game. Then The Big Man got the super finisher power up.

“OH SNAP!” Dave yelled. “THE BIG MAN HASS THE ROCK!”

The Big Man started glowing as he floats in mid air. You and the others try to hit him before he finishes charging up, but Sollux was too fast moving around. At last, The Big Man finished, and summoned 6 basketballs around him. “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Sollux maniacally laughed as he flung the the first of the basketballs… which turned into a huge beam and hit his first target, Peaches, whose damage score flew up high before he got tossed aside offscreen, kicking Kanaya out of the game.

“Well, I Accomplished What I Set Out To Do. Do Finish Up Fast, I Would Like To Go Home.” Kanaya said, as she made her way to Vriska, still fuming, on the side of the stage where the losers are supposed to wait until it’s over.

Meanwhile it was all you could do to dodge his attacks. His 2nd one narrowly missed you but struck Sweet Bro, who was lucky that he managed to heal his damage and didn’t get tossed too far. The 3rd basketball almost hit Hella Jeff but Sweet Bro managed to pull him out of the blast radius with his long ranged grab move.

“Did you guyth know that I can fire mulhiple thothth ath once?” You hear Sollux say. Oh crap!

“Wait Sollux!” You hear Aradia say.

You desperately move to the side when his 4th shot cut off your escape.

“Sollux my character can’t move fast enough-“

Aradia was cut off as Sollux fires his 5th shot as this blast trapped you between energy beams, and Sollux was about to fire his final one to get rid of all four of his enemies at once when you suddenly realized: Aradia was hit by the 5th beam.

Sollux seemed to realize how much he screwed up just as the squirrel was knocked off stage, and he misfired his 6th shot in a random direction. Nobody dared to move as Aradia started shaking before turning towards Sollux- whoa her eyes!

“SOLLUXANDER CAPTOR ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DID YOU JUST SERIOUSLY BLAST ME AGAIN?” Aradia screamed, surprising the hell out of you.

“Solluxander?” You wonder out loud.

“That’s Sollux’s full name.” Terezi answered, as you see everyone staring at awe as Aradia proceeded to unleash a can of verbal whoopass on Sollux. The poor fellow snuck a glance at you and Karkat, mouthing ‘trade lives with me’. You both shook your heads vigorously as Aradia forced Sollux to look at her again before dragging him backstage where you can still hear her yelling at him.

Looking back at your screens, you see The Big Man just standing there, his player gone. You then see Sweet Bro’s Mom walk up to him, grab him, and throw him offscreen where he is KO’d. You look at Rose incredulously. “What the heck Rose?”

“What? If a player leaves their console and can’t react in time, that’s their fault. Judge?” Rose asked Dave, still looking backstage.

“Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, I’ll allow it. We’re now down to half the fighters! ON WITH THE FIGHT!”

You hastily scramble to move Geromy out of the way as Hella Jeff tried to hit you from the side. Meanwhile high in the air Sweet Bro and his Mom are battling it out for air superiority, though you can’t spare more than a glance as Karkat has it out for you. As minutes pass to the crowd’s cheers and jeers, you messed up and fell for the Sock Ruse Distaction, which set you up for a free hit from Hella Jeff’s stolen car attack.

“SUCK IT EGBERT!”

“HEE HEE HEE HEE!” You hear Terezi’s cackle, never a good sign. You risk looking as you dodge the next time Hella Jeff tried to run you over and see Sweet Bro is in the possession of Deudly Firearms. With a single shot, he shot his mom who went down but luckily to solid ground. With the next shot, he knocked you off your feet and launched you in the air, helpless to do anything no matter how you mash the buttons or move the joystick. “Are you next?” Terezi said, pointing at Rose with her Cane. “Are YOU next?” She swung it to point at you. For some reason, her grin froze when she sniffed in your direction, before she focused her attention back to the game.

“HAH! IT’S OUR VICTORY! WE’RE DOING IT TEREZI! WE’RE MAKING THIS HAPPEN!” Karkat shook his fist in your direction, as you resign yourself to your fate. Then something you never expected happened. Terezi aimed at your still airborne body, shot, missed you by an inch, and accidentally hit Karkat instead, launching him into the air as well.

“Oops.” Terezi said. Before she can adjust her aim, Rose immediately smacked Sweet Bro and knocked the Deudly Firearms off of him. Not one to let go of an opportunity, Rose followed up by slamming into him and knocking her offscreen. For your part, since you landed on your feet first, this gave you time to have Geromy knock Hella Jeff into the pond.

“NOOOO! YOU COST US OUR VICTORY!” Karkat wailed, while Terezi apologized to Karkat and pomised to… do that thing they never did. What? As Terezi, dragging a ranting Karkat away, passed you by you see her mouthing ‘you owe me John.’ You mouth a quick ‘thank you.’, and managed to duck in time as Sweet Bro’s Mom almost pushed you into the pond.

“Ladies and gentlemen, were down to our final two contestants! It’s time for the final duel!” Dave pumped up the audience, who answered back with a loud roar. Bloodthirsty bunch.

“It’s just you and me now John. Are you ready to give up and be my flunky?”

“Not a chance Rose.”

“So be it. En guarde!”

Despite your bravado, you’re sad to say that your fighting game skills are subpar, clearly evident from the way Rose is pinning you down. She’s not even giving you a chance to discover any errors. Oh god it’s the most important video game match of your life and you’re losing. Your old self would berate you for losing, especially to a girl. You curse Dave and yourself for taking part in this test.

Then as luck would have it, you see it! The finisher power up! Either Rose hasn’t seen it, or she doesn’t need it. Most likely the latter. If only you could get to it… you’ll have to distract her somehow. “Hey Rose, can I ask a question?”

“Put your head in the game John, I’m about to feed you to the mollusks, and I don’t mean the Horrorterrors this time.”

“Yeah it’s about our bet.”

“What about?” Geez she’s really hounding you, you can’t move past her.

“Since our bet was about comparing bugs, what happens if we end this match by beating the other?”

“You mean when I win?” Dammit she’s not letting up!

“Yeah either way.”

“Why are you so interested in the bet right now anyway? Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the humiliation when Sweet Bro’s Mom ass slams you to Oblivion.” Oh damn she’s breaking through your guard. That’s it, it’s time to pull out the big guns.

“Well you know…”

“Yes?”

“I was thinking that when I win…” steady now, use your secret weapon when you can make it hurt.

“Do hurry up John, I’m about to-“ there! the big windup move!

“I’m going to have you marry me.” There. You said it. No turning back now.

“-unleash hell on wait what-“ she screwed up on the timing and left her character dazed. As she stared disbelieving at you, you grab the power up and start the charge.

“HAH! This is it Rose! There’s no escape from Geromy’s wrath!” Well, not exactly. Geromy’s finisher calls forth several shittily drawn Giraffes to burst out of the ground randomly. You can target a section where a head will show up, and die to the randomness chances are if she dodged in either direction one of the other heads will hit her and launch her off stage. But what are the odds of that?

Geromy almost finished unleashing hell, but Sweet Bro’s Mom still hasn’t moved. You glance towards Rose. Why is she staring like that at the screen? Wait. No way. There’s no fucking way. You suddenly don’t understand anything.

“Are you actually using your Seer of Light powers?” You can’t believe she’s actually cheating. Why would she cheat?

“I have no idea what you’re talking about John. Are you accusing your own girlfriend of cheating to win?”

You don’t understand. Cheating means she wants to win by any means necessary. But she hasn’t been cheating until now. The only change is you telling her that you’re going to make her marry you when you win. Which means…

You feel the sudden urge to get rid of your reasoning and live in blissful ignorance. What happened next is a blur. You remember firing the giraffe heads, Rose dodging all of them perfectly. You remember her launching you skywards, just in time for a Whirlybird to come and disembowel poor Geromy.

PHHPPPBBB

bbthb…

You sank to your knees, clutching the arcade for support as Dave yelled “WINNER OF THE FIGHT AND HALF THE POT-“

“All of it.” Rose said, who appeared to be writing something.

“Uh, no sis, you won the fight but you didn’t find any glitch. What are you pointing at-oh.” Dave’s comment made you look up at Rose’s screen, announcing the win- oh. It took you a moment, but then you saw that Geromy’s bloody remains are still stuck there. Still there when it went back to the player select screen even.

“Yeah that’s not supposed to happen. Well let it not be said that I’m not a brogod of my word. ROSE LALONDE HAS JUST BEAT ALL YOUR ASSES AND WON THE FULL POT!”

You let the words wash over you. Rose did it. She found a glitch and she beat you. Doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want to marry you. Suddenly all your plans don’t matter anymore. Maybe you’ll just buy a small place somewhere and live by yourself, your only companion being online friends. New ones.

Rose doesn’t want to marry you. 

You’ll probably stop working. But where will you get money? Then again, he can always Ascend and join Aradia and the rest. It’s about time you do your share of godly duties. Maintaining the weather on different planets across the universe, keeping the spirit of rebellion up, that sort of thing. 

Rose doesn’t want to marry you.

Then again, perhaps you’ll do something crazy. Something unexpected. Maybe like… be a Private Investigator or Problem Sleuth-

“John? Pardon my interruption of your wallowing in defeat…” Rose put her hand in your shoulder, prompting you to look up. “... but I do believe we have a wager we agreed upon.”

Ahh. Right. You wonder if she’s going to use her command to make him break up with her. Or maybe to make him clean up around their house before she kicks you out. Or maybe she wants you to hook her up with someone else? Your thoughts went all over the place, including her sacrificing you to her dark eldritch gods when she simply said:

“Do everything written on this piece of paper.”

You snap out of it and look at the paper she’s holding out to you. You take it, and written on it were 3 simple words: “Ask The Question.” You do so.

“Huh?”

Apparently that was not in fact the question she was referring to if the narrowing of her eyes were in response to your question. She clarified “No, John. I was referring to the question that requires you to pull out that thing in your pocket.”

You stare dumbfounded at her, before you pull out the velvet box you’ve been toying with all night, before looking at her again.

“Yes, John, I knew you’ve had that thing for a while now. You kept playing with your pocket all night. At first I thought you were doing something questionable,” Rose’s cheeks colored, which you do as well when you realize what she meant, “but the shape is all wrong, and that’s when I deduced why you’ve been acting strangely tonight.”

She crouched down, meeting your eyes as your heads are on the same level. “Please John. Ask. For me?” Smiling as she requested.

Well, you’re not one to turn down a lady’s request. Still half dazed and confused, you assume the pose you’ve been practicing on and struggle to remember the words.

“Umm… yeah… so like, marry me Rose? Please?” Those are not the words.

You can hear Dave whisper into the microphone “John, what are you doing bro, step it up.”

Oh to hell with it, you’ll just wing it. “Rose Lalonde, we’ve known each other since we were kids. From internet acquaintances to best friends to lovers, we’ve went through a lot, especially… you know?” There was a murmur of agreement from everyone. “We’ve shared our sorrows, our joys, our boring moments, our everything. You make me the happiest godtier player, but you’ll make me even happier. If you would marry me.” You open the box and present it to her, and continue on. “In return, I’ll promise to always be there for you, to help you through your fester throes, to keep you happy, to make you laugh, and anything you’ll need. But, if you’re still mad about what I-“

You stopped talking as Rose kissed you deeply, and after releasing you, she took the ring. She smiled as she wore it, then said “Did you really think I would have said no, John? Anyone would be lucky to have you for a husband, and I wouldn’t want anyone else for my life partner. So yes John, I’ll marry you- oh.”

You can’t help it, you hug Rose by the waist and swung her around. You’re just so happy you laughed out loud. Not long after Rose started laughing too. Through it all you can hear your friends talk amongst each other, but you don’t care. This is your moment with Rose, and screw everyone else. Though one thing is definitely bugging you...

“But, I don’t understand one thing. If we both wanted the same thing, why did you try so hard to beat me?” You ask, setting her down.

“Not exactly the same John. The reason is twofold. For one thing, what you wanted me to do was marry you no matter what. Traditionally, you were supposed to ask for my permission, not command me to marry you. I know you don’t want to marry me just to have me at your beck and call, and that you didn’t mean anything by it, but I wanted you to do it properly.”

“Oh.” Yeesh, now that you think about it, that would have been a rather unfortunate way to be married to the love of your life. Forcing her to marry you? Come on John, think!

“The other reason is that there is an additional stipulation you haven’t done yet on the paper.”

“Oh, sorry.” You grin sheepishly, before looking at the paper again. Just those same 3 words. You glance up at Rose, who motioned ‘turn it around’ at you. You do so. You read the 6 words written there. You glance up again. She’s waggling her eyebrows. You look down again just to make sure before questioning her. “Rose… is this a joke?”

“Yes John. This is one of my famous side splitting jokes that I am well known and beloved for. No, I’m serious. Grimdark serious even.”

“Well. I guess it’s time for our first fight as a betrothed couple then.” you say, throwing the paper away before engaging in a heated conversation with Rose.

As the paper dances through the air, a skilled observer can see the words John and Rose were fighting about: “Wear A Dress At Our Wedding.”

————

And so it was that John spent the rest of his evening trying in vain to convince his fellow players to judge that their Seer of Light cheated in at least one of the games, in the hopes of voiding the bet. Of course, most of them just wanted to see John wear a dress to the wedding, so that might have tainted the judge’s decision. Defeated, John was teleported back home sulking with his fiance Rose calming him down. Jade teleported everyone back to where they were as all of them were talking about the newly betrothed couple. Dave collected the comments and suggestions that the others filled… only to find them all of them scribbled over and over with Jade’s handwriting saying “I forgive you you dork. See you back home. Jade.”. Although if he squints, he can see something along the lines of “Finished… Game”. At least, he thinks that’s what’s written.

Dave smiled. “Dames.” Oh well, he’ll just consider the test a success and release them as is (minus the exploding one). Now he just has to decide whether to crash Egbert and Lalonde’s wedding in a dress as well, or maybe a native outfit from somewhere. Shit, let’s be Santa at their wedding. As you round the corner, you can’t help but feel like there’s something missing from tonight. Something you’ve been expecting but never appeared. Wondering why you feel teased, you paid no attention to where you are going and missed the next step, causing you to fall forward. Your last thoughts before you tumble down the long flight of stairs were:

“Ahh. Of course. ”

**Author's Note:**

> Of course it keeps happening.
> 
> It’s a universal constant.
> 
> Also the last game is totally Super Smash Bros. SBaHJ edition.


End file.
